Dave Barry is an American humorist, author and columnist, born in 1947. From 1983 to 2005 he wrote a humor column for the Miami Herald. He also wrote several books of humor and comic novels.
This is a collection of quotes by Dave Barry.
Adapted from photo by Amazur [CC BY-SA 3.0], from Wikimedia Commons
Showing results 1 to 25 of 45
A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.Dave Barry
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.Dave Barry
Anyway, in the corner of one container there was a ratty old collapsed armchair - worn, dirty, leaking stuffing, possibly housing active vermin colonies. I asked the gallery person if the chair was art, and she said yes, it was a work titled "Chair." I asked her what role the artist had played in creating "Chair." She said: "He found it."Dave Barry
Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.Dave Barry
Database: the information you lose when your memory crashes.Dave Barry
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.Dave Barry
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.Dave Barry
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.Dave Barry
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.Dave Barry
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.Dave Barry
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.Dave Barry
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.Dave Barry
If there happens to be an abandoned air compressor nearby, it should have a sign that says: "Notice! This is not art!" so the public does not waste time enjoying the wrong thing.Dave Barry
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.Dave Barry
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.Dave Barry
Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.Dave Barry
Maybe the actual painting is on the other side.Dave Barry
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.Dave Barry
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.Dave Barry
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.Dave Barry
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.Dave Barry
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.Dave Barry
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.Dave Barry
Public Art, defined as "art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money."Dave Barry
Reading ... a vacation for the mind.Dave Barry
Next 20
