Dave Barry Quotes

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Anyway, in the corner of one container there was a ratty old collapsed armchair - worn, dirty, leaking stuffing, possibly housing active vermin colonies. I asked the gallery person if the chair was art, and she said yes, it was a work titled "Chair." I asked her what role the artist had played in creating "Chair." She said: "He found it."

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.

Database: the information you lose when your memory crashes.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

If there happens to be an abandoned air compressor nearby, it should have a sign that says: "Notice! This is not art!" so the public does not waste time enjoying the wrong thing.

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

Maybe the actual painting is on the other side.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Public Art, defined as "art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money."

Reading ... a vacation for the mind.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter.

That's not a trash bag -- it's art!

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

The English language is a rich verbal tapestry woven together from the tongues of the Greeks, the Latins, the Angles, the Klaxtons, the Celtics, and many more other ancient peoples, all of whom had severe drinking problems.